


Supernova Heartbeat

by pawn_vs_player



Series: Heavenly Bodies [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: ...sort of, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Author Chuck Shurley, Castiel Feels, Castiel Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel-centric, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed Winchesters, Everyone Loves Castiel, Everyone Needs A Hug, Family Feels, Forgiveness, Gabriel is a good brother, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, God is a good parent, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Castiel, Lucifer Feels, Lucifer Possessing Castiel, Lucifer Redemption, Nightmares, Platonic Cuddling, Possession, Protective Gabriel, Temporal Shenanigans, True Vessels, because I refuse to believe that God is male and just male
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-18 22:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7333135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pawn_vs_player/pseuds/pawn_vs_player
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Did you really think God could fit inside a single alcoholic prophet?</p><p> </p><p>((God's True Vessel consists of more than one person. Unfortunately, not all of those people still have a body to offer.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	Supernova Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [(Castiel is) Everything and Nothing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5790706) by [casual_distance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/casual_distance/pseuds/casual_distance). 



> So.  
> In the wake of me getting ~18k into my Big Bang, I started getting SWARMED with plot bunnies. This is the first one I chose to acknowledge.  
> In the next few weeks/months, I'll most likely be posting a new, relatively short story at least once a month, since I am utterly unable to only work on one story at a time. I hope you enjoy them! :)
> 
> Actual notes about the story: God's pronouns are Ze/Zir, since (as I stated in the tags) GOD IS NOT A CISMAN; Chuck IS God, he just isn't alone in being God; God has a total of 9 vessels in this story; the formatting is a bit odd, but I don't think it's too terribly hard to understand; and I have a deep, deep desire for Lucifer and Cas to actually get along, so there's some development in that direction in this story as well.  
> I now release you to reading this story, and I hope you enjoy!

Lucifer asks Castiel for last words.

Castiel has an idea.

(The piece of himself that lies buried so deep he can no longer hear it says: - _No.-_ )

Castiel opens his mouth, blood coppery on his tongue, and says: "Yes."

Lucifer smiles, and closes his eyes, and Castiel  _burns_ as Lucifer melts into him.

-

Castiel burns for an eternity. He burns for moments and minutes, days and decades. He never burns at all.

He opens his eyes. He has a TV.

He turns it on. What else is he to do?

(- _Fight, Castiel, and win. Hosting Lucifer will not end well for you.-_ )

Even if Castiel could hear the voice, he would not believe it. He believes Ambriel; he believes all those who have told him he is naught but a tool to be used and cast aside, for what else have his earthly experiences taught him? He chose the Winchesters. He chose to be their tool. He is exactly what they tell him he is.

( _-You are more than they could ever comprehend._ -)

-

Castiel watches the TV. He does not wonder what Lucifer is doing to the Winchesters. (To his family, except they aren't, no matter what Dean says, because  _Castiel is a tool and a problem and a screw-up, not their brother, not their loved one, no matter how much he hopes._ )

(That piece croons comfortingly, and swells just enough to make its comfort spread to the rest of Castiel.  _-Patience. We will rise. We will be our best self soon enough, and we will never be//feel inferior again.-_ )

-

Castiel spent so long searching for God. It will be funny to Castiel, later. It will be sad, too.

All those places scoured, and yet, Castiel never thought to look in God's true hiding place. He looked in  _places_ , not in people.

(It is so very simple, and that is why it is genius.)

-

Lucifer doesn't  _do_ anything to Cas, not really. He just... leaves Cas alone. Utterly alone, except for Cas' thoughts and memories and fears.

He sleeps, for lack of anything else to do but watch the television and  _think._ (All that's on are episodes and movies he's already seen, anyway.)

He sleeps, but his sleep is never peaceful. 

\--He is human, and he is dying, and Dean takes one look at him and walks away frowning, Sam at his side.//

\--He is human, and he is so, so alone. Dean comes to his store and calls him Steve; his face is empty of recognition, and Cas doesn't cry until his shift is over.//

\--He stands over Dean, bleeding Dean, with his knife in his hand, and Dean looks up at him with betrayed green eyes, and Cas brings the blade down.//

\--Sam picks up an angel blade from the Bunker table, shoves Cas into the wall, and drives the blade into Cas' mouth.//

\--Metatron laughs and laughs, jerking Cas' puppet limbs around on strings until his bones shatter and Metatron throws him away.//

\--He flies frantically through Hell, searching for the Righteous Man, but he never finds him; instead, demons swarm him and bind him and tear at his wings until he's sobbing for them to just kill him already.//

\--Dean and Sam stand over him, expressions identical in their disgust. Sam slams his boot into Cas' stomach while Dean crouches down; Cas sees the glint of a blade in Dean's hand, and then fire spreads through Cas' abdomen and he sees an angel blade buried in his stomach with Dean's fingers wrapped around the hilt.//

\--He is alone in the Cage, the cold biting into him and his screams bouncing off the walls, and no one knows that he's down here, no one will notice, no one  _cares_.//

-

(Castiel understands, for the first time, why Dean broke the first seal. Humans are so much more fragile than angels, and Castiel would agree to practically anything right now to make the agony  _stop_.)

He opens his eyes, shaking, and covers his face with his hands. He sobs and trembles. The television blares.

( _-Be strong, Castiel. Endure. We will survive._ -)

-

Castiel misses Dean and Sam. He misses them so much.

He misses Claire, and Charlie, and Bobby, and Kevin. He misses Gabriel.

He misses them tangibly, a harsh, stabbing ache pulsing in his ribs, where Jimmy Novak housed his heart.

(Castiel gave his own heart away in pieces, and he has never gotten a single shard back.)

( _-Do not fear, Castiel. You will get your peace and your love.-_ )

(- _All good things come to those who wait, Castiel._ -)

-

(There are times when Ze hates Dean and Sam Winchester, for all they have done to Ze and Zirs. They have broken the world, they have killed so many, and they can be, quite simply,  _assholes_.

But those times do not last long. The pieces Ze has split Zirself into care for --in some cases, love-- Dean and Sam far, far too much to ever hate them for any extended period.)

-

(There are parts of Zir that mourn Lucifer. There are parts that curse him, fear him, loathe him. There are parts that do not know the fallen archangel, only his deeds.

Ze has no idea how to feel about Lucifer, most of the time.

Lucifer has murdered Gabriel, caused the deaths of thousands through his machinations, and plans to kill more.

Parts of Zir still mourn Lucifer. But Lucifer has possessed Cas, and does nothing to spare Cas the further horrors of Cas' own subconscious.

Ze is going to have to have a long talk with Lucifer about that.)

-

[In Heaven, the part that belongs to dead souls and not angels, Mary Winchester sits down next to Bobby Singer with her legs crossed. She settles her head on his shoulder and folds her hands in her lap.

"How is he?" she asks quietly, eyes focused solemnly down on the body that used to belong to Jimmy Novak. Jimmy sits a few yards away, but he's looking at his daughter. He joins them occasionally, more often since they explained about Cas and Claire and themselves.

Bobby sighs. "Lucifer ain't stoppin' the dreams. If Cas doesn't get help soon..."

Mary nods, pats Bobby's shoulder. "He will. I trust the boys."

Bobby shrugs. "So do I, but they're idjits. They haven't even realized that it ain't Cas in there, and you know that they don't know how to deal with trauma. How're they gonna help Cas?"

Mary sighs. "Have faith."

Bobby snorts.]

-

Crowley stands behind Castiel and asks (tells) him to come back.

Crowley. Not Dean or Sam or- anyone else. Crowley. 

Cas wonders what they said to him to make him agree to this. A bribe or a threat? Or perhaps Lucifer himself goaded Crowley into this; Cas can't imagine that Lucifer is overly fond of Crowley, after all he's done.

Cas does not say yes. Crowley leaves after a while, and Cas is alone with himself once again.

-

For a while.

Lucifer stands behind him, in the guise of Nick, the vessel Cas has grown used to seeing Lucifer in. Cas turns, if only to be polite.

Lucifer's eyes burn bright with what Cas thinks is curiosity, but that can't be right. What does Lucifer have to be curious about?

"You," Lucifer says quietly, and takes a step closer. Cas draws his legs in against his chest. Lucifer's silhouette flickers; the shadows of his wings flare out across the wall behind him. "You're familiar."

Cas blinks. "I don't understand."

"I... I  _know_ you," Lucifer continues, insistent, stepping closer. "There's... something about you. More than Castiel. I've been trying to figure it out, but your subconscious doesn't leave a lot of room for rational thinking."

Cas flinches. So Lucifer does know, and hasn't interfered. Well, at least he hasn't made it worse.

Lucifer sees it. His face softens. "I... I've been busy," he says gently. It sounds almost like an apology, but that can't be true. It's  _Lucifer,_ and Cas is worthless. Why would his pain concern Lucifer? All Lucifer needs from him is his body. 

Lucifer is very close now. He crouches, sets a hand on Cas' shoulder, and it's only then that Cas realizes that he's trembling. Just a little, but enough to be noticeable. Lucifer's thumb rubs circles over Cas' shoulder.

"Who are you?" Lucifer asks, very quiet. Cas blinks.

"I... I am..."

_Castiel. Cas. An angel. A human. A Winchester. A tool. A person. Steve. Emmanuel. Jimmy. A father. A soldier. A monster. A false god. A Leviathan. Me._

"I... am." Cas stares up at Lucifer helplessly. There are so many answers to give that he cannot answer at all. "I  _am_."

Lucifer keeps looking at him for another long minute, eyes flashing amber and scarlet, searching Cas' face. Then something shifts in his expression and his eyes go wide. He stumbles back a few steps. "I," he says, voice shaken and cracking, "I, I didn't, I didn't  _know-_ "

"Lucifer?" Cas asks, horribly confused, but all his voice does is make Lucifer snap back in a flinch like Cas slapped him. 

"I can't," Lucifer gasps, and disappears.

Cas stares blankly at the place Lucifer had been, a single thought circulating in his mind:  _What do I have inside me that terrifies Lucifer?_

-

(- _Finally._ -)

-

(- _We've been waiting for you, Lucifer._ -)

-

[A very, very long time ago- so long ago that Time was not yet a concept- God sat with Lucifer in Zir lap and petted Zir son's wings.

 _ **|Father?|**_ Lucifer had asked, blinking up at Zir with big amber eyes.  _ **|What am I?|**_

 ~~ **You are an archangel,**~~ God told him.  ~~ **You are my son.**~~

Lucifer looked down, nodding slowly, considering.  _ **|What are you?|**_

God pauses.

 ~~ **I... am,**~~ Ze says simply.  ~~ **I am.**~~

Lucifer blinks up at Zir for a long while, or possibly no time at all.  _ **|Okay.|**_ ]

-

[Castiel does not know that conversation ever happened.

Lucifer has never forgotten it.]

-

Lucifer comes back what might be minutes or days later. He is pale and his jaw is tight, but he stands in front of Castiel with his back straight and eyes blazing.

Castiel simply blinks at him. He has no idea what's going on; he's just hoping Lucifer will tell him.

Lucifer drags in a deep breath, and then his wings manifest, crimson feathers messy and dirty and many broken, but they sweep out around his body in the angelic gesture of _respect_  and _submission_  as Lucifer drops to one knee, head bowed. Cas just stares, shell-shocked.

"I," Lucifer starts, and has to stop. His chest is heaving, and each gulp of air he takes in is edged with a sharp hitch, like he's desperately trying to avoid sobbing. "I-"

Something shifts inside Cas. He puts a hand to his chest. Words come to his lips without him thinking them.

"Can we take this somewhere else?"

Lucifer snaps to attention, wings folding up neatly even with how battered his feathers are. "Yes."

-

(Three hours earlier, Chuck corners Lucifer in the Bunker and pins him with ancient eyes. Lucifer is confused, and then he's scared.

"I- I thought- Cas," he stutters, helplessly.

Chuck folds his arms. "Did you honestly think we could fit inside a single being?"

"He's an angel," Lucifer says weakly.

"He wasn't always," Chuck counters. "But that isn't the point."

Lucifer winces. Invisible to human eyes, but not to Chuck's, he draws his wings in tight against his back. "I know."

He's waiting to be punished, that much is obvious. Clearly, he's done running.

"Answer me this," Chuck says softly, the volume of his voice not hiding the sharpness of the order. "What do you regret?"

Lucifer flinches. Immediately he says, "Gabriel," the name coming out on a pained gasp like he's been sucker-punched.

"Anything else?" Chuck presses, merciless. Lucifer ducks his head.

"Sam," he says softly. Chuck waits.

"...Cas," Lucifer admits, just barely audible. "There's, there's so much _pain_ inside him. I can't get away from it." 

"Are you going to keep your deal to him?" Chuck asks, voice entirely flat.

Lucifer's eyes flicker with pain. He stares at the floor. Both of them know that his promise, his deal, was a lie: one archangel cannot defeat Amara by themself. Lucifer's jaw works. "I'm going to try," he says to his shoes. It rings true and sharp between them.

Chuck steps close and puts his hand on Lucifer's shoulder. "You need to take the rest up with Cas."

Lucifer whips his head up to stare at Chuck. Chuck smiles slightly. "I'm the mouthpiece. I don't have the authority to give you what you want. Cas does."

Lucifer's eyes light with understanding. He gives Chuck a sharp nod and disappears inside himself. His borrowed body crumples. Chuck settles on the floor beside Lucifer's limp vessel and waits.)

-

(- _Cas will decide if you can be redeemed, brother, but until then, know this:_

 _I love you._ -)

-

Lucifer reaches out to Cas hesitantly, fingers twitching. "There's a place in the Bunker," he says, "somewhere our trueforms can be without destroying anything. The- the Winchesters don't know about it."

Cas thinks. "Take me there," he says, and grasps Lucifer's hand.

-

Cas opens his eyes to an empty room, empty except for Lucifer's form beside him, his (what passes for an angel's) 'hand' still twined into Cas'. Their trueforms are compacted severely so as to fit inside the room- presumably there are wards to keep them from overstretching the bounds of wall, ceiling, and floor. Cas' six wings tremble at being released from their imprisonment after so long. He peeks through his headfeathers and lets his flight pair flap gently, stretching the muscles. The long line of concentric circles that make up what humans would call a torso glitter faintly; he really has been cooped up too long. His face is hidden behind his headfeathers, but he can see just as well as he ever could in his trueform. He 'stretches'; he hasn't been able to do that in too long.

Lucifer lets go of Cas' 'hand', walking around and in front of Cas, before dropping once again to one knee and bowing his head. Lucifer's trueform doesn't look much like Cas': instead of Cas' three small halos, Lucifer has twelve; he has two pairs of flight wings and a smaller ceremonial pair underneath, no headfeathers, and two pairs of wings over his hips where Cas has one; and their colors are different. Cas is mostly pale blue and silver and white, though his flight wings are jet-black and there are hints of gold in the rest of his feathers; Lucifer is a hundred shades of red except for his small set of ceremonial wings and eyes, which are amber. Cas stares unabashedly; he hasn't seen another angelic trueform in years, and never that of an archangel. He's curious.

 ** _|Castiel.|_** Lucifer's True Voice echoes through the room.  ** _|Do you know who you are?|_**

Cas is confused. He has been many things, but right now- as Lucifer himself stated- he is Castiel.  ** _|I do not understand the question.|_**

Lucifer's eyes glint.  _ **|I have to ask you something, but I can't do so if you are merely Castiel.|**_

 _ **|I don't understand,|**_ Cas protests, except-

Except-

He almost does. There's something tickling at his mind, something bright and warm and  _important,_ something that makes his Grace throb and pulse. He reaches into himself, deeper than he's ever had reason to go, and there is something there. Something Castiel did not expect, and does not recognize. He tears his gaze from it to look at Lucifer.

 ** _|Please,|_** Lucifer says simply, almost helpless.  ** _|Please, Castiel.|_**

And Castiel would ask what Lucifer's begging him for, but something- that small, precious orb of power inside him- is asking him to touch it, loud and louder, and Castiel- Castiel-

Castiel cannot resist its call, anymore than he can resist going back to the Winchesters' side or trying to help people, no matter how he fails or is kicked aside.

He reaches for it, 'fingers' poised to grasp and hold-

 ~~Castiel,~~ it says.  ~~Please be sure.~~

Castiel pauses.

~~We do not wish for you to be hurt. We cannot promise that knowledge will be better than ignorance.~~

Castiel has always preferred to know the truth of what is, has, and will happen, despite the personal consequences. And besides, by now, he is quite used to pain.

~~We love you, Castiel.~~

Castiel takes hold of the orb.

-

[In Heaven, the part that belongs to dead souls and not angels, five souls shake and startle and cry out one word in a single voice.

The sixth soul drops into their midst, smiling broadly, the same word vibrating inside him.

"Let's get going," he says. 

The other five smile. They follow him out, as he is the one with the most experience with Heaven.

No one stops them. (No one can stop them.)]

-

Castiel is

Cas is

He is

Ze is

Ze are

_I am._

-

Lucifer looks up at Cas from his cowering position, wings practically flat against the floor and body nearly as prostrate.  ** _|Please,|_** he says, and Castiel understands.

 ** ~~Lucifer,~~** ~~~~Castiel says. ** ~~What do you regret?~~** ~~~~

Lucifer shudders. ~~~~ ** _|Gabriel. And Sam. And... and hurting you. I didn't... I didn't... I'm_ sorry.  _I'm so sorry._ |**

Lucifer is not expecting to be forgiven, and he is not lying. It is... more than Ze expected, or dared hope for.

 ** ~~Lucifer,~~** Castiel says, reaching down with one massive hand to stroke through Lucifer's wrecked wings. With every brush of Zir hand, Lucifer's wings become more like they had been, more pristine and clean.  ** ~~Lucifer,~~** ~~~~Ze says. ** ~~Son.~~** ~~~~

Lucifer shakes. _ **|Father,|**_ he whispers, and again:  _ **|I'm so sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry, Father.|**_

There is so terribly much inside Lucifer, so much pain and sorrow and anger and regret, so many desires:  _Please forgive me//I want to come home//Please don't hurt me//I wish I'd died instead of Gabe//Please don't leave me alone again//I wanted to be loved again//_

 ** _\I didn't want_**   ** _this._** ** _/_**

Castiel's hand settles on Lucifer's back.  ~~ **Lucifer,**~~ Ze says, as gently as Ze can. Ze does not like the way Lucifer trembles under Zir fingers.  ~~ **Lucifer. You are forgiven.**~~

Lucifer goes very, very still.

_**|Really?|** _

The question is so small, so tentative and hopeful, that it makes something inside Zir hurt. 

 ~~ **Do I lie to you?**~~ Ze asks.

Lucifer shakes his head, and then Lucifer is sobbing, and Castiel-who-is-more-than-Castiel scoops Lucifer into Zir arms and rocks him, murmuring Enochian hymns into his ears and stroking his wings.

It feels like forever, but it isn't, before there is a knock on the door and a soft:  ~~Cas?~~

Lucifer goes ramrod-still.

 ~~ **It's alright,**~~ Castiel promises, and opens the door with a flick of thought.

Gabriel enters.

Or, at least, what remains of Gabriel enters. He's missing a pair of wings- just like all angels who die- and he isn't solid, but he is there, and his chest glows with the same nugget of power that rests inside Castiel's massive being. Gabriel tilts his head up at Cas and smiles. His golden eyes are soft, even softer when they fall upon Lucifer.  ~~Can we...~~

Cas knows what he's asking for.

 ** ~~Of course,~~** ~~~~Castiel murmurs. Ze'd never deny this, especially not to Gabriel. (Especially not when Lucifer very clearly needs reassurance that Cas, or at least, the-piece-of-the-world-formerly-known-as-Cas, cannot provide.

Castiel holds Zir hand out to Gabriel, and Gabriel places his much smaller, translucent hand into it.

The world flickers and shimmers and shudders. Gabriel-And-Castiel blink Zir eyes, flutter Zir wings, and look down at Lucifer, still cradled against Zir chest.

 _ **|Gabriel,|**_ Lucifer whispers, tearful once again.  _ **|Gabriel, I-|**_

 ~~ **Shh,**~~ Gabriel says, and embraces Lucifer in Zir being, washes him in Love and Grace and Peace and Forgiveness.  ** ~~I love you. I never stopped loving you. I forgave you a long time ago.~~**

And Lucifer keeps sobbing, and Gabriel-who-is-also-at-least-a-little-bit-Cas pets him and surrounds him and soothes him for what could be seconds or months, but none (neither) of them care at all.

-

The others come in slowly, one at a time. Lucifer leaves when Gabriel-And-Castiel alert him that they're going to have more company:   _ **|I, I can't, not yet, not right now.|**_

Ze understands. Ze lets him go, back to the abandoned body that was originally Jimmy Novak's, to keep playing at being Castiel-who-was for the Winchesters.

The first one is Bobby. Of course. When has Bobby ever been patient?

Gabriel smiles. Castiel laughs. Ze extend Zir hand to him.

 ~~ **I've missed you,**~~ Castiel confesses softly.

Bobby smiles, a quiet one that very rarely crosses his face. "Never gonna have to do that again."

In the moment he touches Zir palm, he says,  _Missed you too._

And Bobby is Bobby-And-Gabriel-And-Cas, and Ze are more complete than Ze had been.

Bobby and Gabriel are gentle with Castiel, cradling Zir deep in Zir center protectively. When Castiel protests- not very hard- Ze reminds Zir what Castiel is for Zir, and Castiel is quiet.

Castiel has not felt so important, so treasured and precious, in a very long time.

-

Mary Winchester comes after Bobby; Castiel smiles brightly at her, and she thanks Zir for watching over her boys when she couldn't before she takes Zir hand and becomes Zir.

Ash, who died before Castiel ever got to know him, is... well. Ze's heard stories from Dean and Sam. Ash has not changed at all. Castiel welcomes Ash into Zir like Ash is an old friend, and really, who's going to argue with that?

Kevin, who Castiel mourned silently, is as sweet and quiet as ever. When he becomes Zir, Kevin hugs Castiel, and then is promptly hugged by the rest of Zir.

And then. 

And then, it's Charlie. Charlie, who had been Castiel's  _friend._ Who Castiel loves, and who Castiel grieves. When Charlie becomes Zir, Castiel tackles Charlie into a hug and cries quietly into Zir shoulder.

Ze pulls Zirself together in time to meet Chuck at the door. Chuck smiles up at Zir massive self and shoves his hands in his pockets.

"It's just me and Claire," Chuck says, for Castiel's benefit. "The brothers still think it's just me. You should track down Claire, see if she wants to be part of this. I'm staying here for now."

Ze nods. It's a good plan.

 ~~ **Yes,**~~ Ze says, and heads off.

-

(Lucifer slips back into Cas'-nee-Jimmy Novak's skin and walks downstairs to the Bunker kitchen. Dean is slumped over at the table in his robe, nursing a cup of coffee. Sam is most likely in the library or still in his room.

"Hey, Cas," Dean mutters. "Anythin' new on Amara?"

There is an unexpected flash of anger in Lucifer's midsection. Not for himself, though he isn't happy about being treated like nothing more than a font of information- but for Castiel, that Dean has been treating  _Castiel_ this way for God knows how long. Dean probably doesn't even realize the problem with how he behaves with Cas.

Lucifer does.

He takes a very deep breath, reminding himself that (neither) God (nor) _and_ Castiel would not want him stringing Dean to the ceiling with his own entrails, and also he's trying to be less violent in general.

"No, Dean," he says, pushing his voice into Cas' lower register. "I don't have anything new on the Darkness. Perhaps you should look around yourself. If she comes to you again, you may be able to get something out of her."

He walks away, fists clenched tight at his sides.)

-

(Chuck meets Lucifer in the library, where Sam is not.

"How are you?" he asks calmly.

Lucifer shrugs. "Been better, been worse."

Chuck puts a hand on his shoulder. "Don't kill either Winchester. I know they can be... irritating... but we need them."

Lucifer sighs. "I know.")

-

Ze finds Claire Novak behind Jody's house, alone, Jody and Alex inside. Ze comes to her as Castiel- as Jimmy Novak. Lucifer may have the true body, but Ze is God; there are very few things Ze is incapable of.

"Hey," Claire says quietly, unhappily. "What do you want?"

"To know how you are," Ze says softly. "The Darkness is on the loose. Dean and Sam are working on it. I wanted to know if you were alright."

"Yeah," she says, "I know about the Darkness. They came here a few days ago." She tugs at her shoelace. "They don't want me to hunt."

_What the hell else am I going to do?_

Ze shuffles closer, hand landing very close to Claire's hip. "They worry about you."

"They think I'm a dumb little girl."

"You are young," Ze points out. Claire's shoulders stiffen. "But," Ze says patiently, "you are capable. You want vengeance. That's understandable. You want a purpose." Ze pauses. "They grew up into this. Personally, I think they just don't want to watch another young person go down their path."

Claire laughs bitterly. "I hardly think I'm going to be the vessel of an archangel, or end up soulless or in Hell, or unleashing the Darkness. I'm just- me."

Castiel smiles. "I think you'll find that being Claire Novak means more than you think."

She turns to Zir, eyebrows raised.

"They found God," Castiel tells her. "Did you know?"

Her eyes, Jimmy's eyes, Castiel's eyes, go wide. "Really? Where was He?"

"Ze," Castiel corrects automatically. "And... well... it's complicated."

Claire hesitates, eyes flickering over Castiel's face. "...How so?"

"Ze is not... hosted in a single being," Castiel hedges. "Ze came to the Winchesters as the prophet Chuck Shurley- the author of the  _Supernatural_ books, you know. But Chuck is not... alone."

Claire stares at Ze, eyes narrowed.

"Who are you?" she says eventually. "Where is Castiel?"

Castiel smiles.

"I am here," Ze says serenely. "I am."

Claire's tongue flicks over her mouth. "Why me?"

Ze smiles. "We told you. You are more important than you believe."

Claire glances down at Zir hands. "Why won't you touch me? Castiel would try for a hug by now, at least."

"We cannot touch you until you are sure. Castiel does not wish to harm you, nor take from you without your consent."

"What do you want from me?" Claire says, soft. 

Ze leans in closer, fingers not quite brushing her shoulder. "Nothing you will not give," Ze reassure her. 

She bares her teeth. "Just give me a fucking straight answer."

Ze laughs. Ze _loves_ Claire. "You are part of us, Claire Novak, and if you will have us, we would welcome you back into our being."

Claire jerks back. Her eyes are very large and very blue. "I... is it permanent?" she says, after a long while.

Castiel inclines Zir head. "Not if you do not wish it to be. But you will always have a piece of Ze inside you. It is your choice whether to stay with us or not."

Claire swallows. She looks around as though the answer to her decision will be floating the air, but it is not. It is Ze and Claire-who-is-not-Ze, not yet, and Claire must make her choice herself.

"Can we defeat the Darkness?" she asks, very quiet.

"Yes."

Claire grabs Zir hand.

-

(Charlie and Castiel and Claire curl together in Zir core, talking and laughing and  _being,_ and the others do not interrupt.

Zey need this.

Zey deserve this.)

-

(Amara waits at the edge of the universe, sheathed in Herself, and waits for Her Sibling's Light to bloom out from Earth.)

-

[In the Beginning, there were Three: God, and Amara, and Nothing.

Then God began to Create, for Ze wished for more company than just Zir sister.

There were the Leviathans.

There was Michael, Lucifer, Raphael, and Gabriel.

There was Raziel, Raguel, and Saraqael.

There were planets and stars and nebulae, and Amara lurked in the shadows at the edge of it all, waiting for Zir back to turn so She could sweep in and eat Her fill.

The Leviathans were first, until God made a separate plane, unavailable to Amara, and locked the remaining Leviathans inside. She sustained Herself with stars and planets and floating chucks of material, but She was still waiting.

God turned Zir attention elsewhere, and Amara grasped the youngest archangel, Saraqael, and devoured her.

And as one, the archangels looked to their Father and  _screamed._ ]

-

[God cannot retrieve what Amara has consumed, nor can Ze recreate it. A planet or star, certainly, but not Zir children. That... that is beyond Zir. Saraqael is  _Dead_ , and Death is something God cannot truly combat.

 ** _|Father, please!|_** Lucifer begs. 

For the first time, God cannot grant Zir child's request.

Instead, God glares Amara down and murmurs:  ~~ **You will pay for this, sister.**~~

Amara laughs.]

-

[God herds Zir children close, and imparts to them Zir plan.

Ze cannot kill Amara; no one can. She is as Death: indestructible, inevitable, immovable. She is a necessary part of Being.

But just because She must exist does not mean She must be free.]

-

[Amara consumes Raziel and Raguel before God and the other four archangels finally lock Her away. God makes a sign out of the key to Her cage and hides it, and surrounds all Zir Creation in Zir embrace.

Then Ze slips closer, smaller, and envelops those remaining of Zir children as they grieve, and Ze grieves with them.]

-

_And here is the thing no one will tell you:_

 

(God mourns those Ze loves.)

_And here is the thing that no one will acknowledge:_

(God does not mourn everyone.)

-

(A long time ago, when Chuck was just starting the  _Supernatural_ series, the visions of Sam and Dean came slowly.

His mind and eyes were filled with others: Mary Winchester, who sells her soul for her husband and dooms her younger son; Bobby Singer, who loves Mary's sons as his own and dies for their cause; Ash (Harvelle), who has a good life and dies doing his job; Kevin Tran, who is so terribly  _young_ and gets dragged into the Winchester War because of something he didn't ask for, and then murdered by someone who was meant to protect him; Charlie Bradbury, who grows up without the love she deserves and dies because she joined the Winchester family; Gabriel, who is a runaway and a pagan god and a trickster and an archangel and a brave, hopeless tragedy; Claire Novak, who loses too much too fast and throws herself headfirst into the life the Winchesters lead; Castiel, who holds the beating heart of humanity inside of himself and doesn't know it, who would tear himself to pieces in an instant if it meant saving another person, who loves with all his being and is never loved enough back.

Chuck writes their stories first. When the Sam and Dean visions interrupt, he scrawls the gist of them down with a scowl. He isn't interested in the brothers, not with these others in his mind, but visions don't leave until he acknowledges them, so he gets the Sam and Dean visions down reluctantly and then returns to the secret books.

He never publishes those first stories.)

-

(After the brothers Winchesters find him, Chuck sighs, sits down at his table, and drinks himself to sleep.

He dreams of Castiel's sapphire heart, of Gabriel's golden wings, of Charlie's emerald hands, of Kevin's dark violet eyes.

When he wakes up, it's on his chair in front of his computer and fifty pages already typed.) 

-

(After Becky joins Chuck, he gives her the nine books no one else knows exists.

"You can't tell anyone," he tells her. \Orders, really, but no one is going to acknowledge that, least of all them./

She smiles- not the one she shows the brothers Winchester, her real one- and kisses his cheek. "Who'd believe me?")

-

(Becky reads them all, and asks Chuck where he is.

He blinks once. Then he smiles. "Most people aren't fond of self-insert stories," he says wryly.

Becky laughs. "There are parts of fandom that'd disagree with you on that," she says, smiling, and kisses his cheek. "Me included.")

-

(Three months later, Chuck hands Becky the ninth secret book. It is titled: _Mad Creator._

Becky kisses him.)

-

(Becky stands with Chuck at their door, hidden from the sights of angels, demons, and Winchesters alike, and kisses him as she hands him the bag. 

"I love you," she tells him.

"I know," he says, grinning.)

-

(Chuck stands in Lucifer's [Cas's] Bunker bedroom, bag heavy on his shoulder, and says: "It's time.")

-

(Dean and Sam know by now that Lucifer is Lucifer, but he hasn't left Cas' body and he hasn't left the Bunker either, because- well-

He likes it here.

And they can't get him to leave, anyway, so he's fucking  _staying._

Anyway.

He strolls into the library, where his senses inform him the brothers Winchester are hiding, and stops in the doorway, right in their line of sight should they choose to look up. His hands are in his pockets and he's leaning against the doorway, not even trying to pretend he's Cas, but he isn't smiling.

It takes five minutes for them to look- first at each other, then the table, then him.

"What do you want?" Sam says, rough and tired. His voice drags sharply along Lucifer's spine, reminding him of the hatred his True Vessel holds for him. It isn't a pleasant thing to remember.

Lucifer sighs, and keeps his face blank. "Chuck sent me. He has some... info... for the both of you."

"Why not come himself?" Dean asks sharply.

Lucifer sighs again. "Because, unlike the two of you, he trusts that I'm not about to snap and go on a killing spree." He jerks a thumb over his shoulder. "He's in the kitchen- don't ask me  _why_ , since all he consumes is alcohol. Anyway, my job here is done, good- _bye._ " He gives them a  _very_ sarcastic two-fingered salute and wheels around to walk away.

"Why?"

Lucifer goes still at Sam's voice. "I just told you, I don't know why he's in the kitchen," he says carefully.

"No," Sam presses, "I meant- why does he trust you?"

Lucifer is stock-still for a very long moment, debating his reply. "You won't believe me."

"Try us," Dean says- snarls, really.

Lucifer lets his shoulders slump. He doesn't turn back around, but he knows his voice will carry over to them. "He trusts Castiel's judgement."

And then he walks away, shrouded in the brothers' silence.)

-

_(Book One: Shattered Backbone.)_

_(Book Two: Crippled Guardian.)_

_(Book Three: Muted Singer.)_

_(Book Four: Blinded Prophet.)_

_(Book Five: Burning Queen.)_

_(Book Six: Runaway Sacrifice.)_

_(Book Seven: Phoenix Girl.)_

_(Book Eight: Heaven's Heartbeat.)_

_(Book Nine: Mad Creator.)_

-

(Sam stares at the lineup of books on the kitchen table. "What are these?" he asks Chuck, as Dean comes up behind Sam to see the books for himself.

Chuck's smile is melancholy. "The truth. You can read them in any order, and you have as much time as you need; we won't start without you." Before Sam can ask what Chuck isn't going to start without them, Chuck slips his hands into his pockets, tilts his head, and says quickly: "And that's my cue. Gotta run, sorry. It's been fun."

He disappears.

Sam glances at Dean. Dean cocks his eyebrows.

Sam sighs. He grabs a book at random-  _Runaway Sacrifice._ He looks at Dean's pick-  _Burning_ _Queen._

They open their books at the same time. The dedication in both books is simple:  _ **I couldn't have done this without my family, or Becky. Thank you. -C.S.**_

Sam flips the page- no publication info; not surprising, since Sam's been keeping an eye on the  _Supernatural_ series and none of these titles have ever appeared- and finds himself on Chapter One.

_\--He is a son first, a brother second, a soldier third, and a trickster last. He is the fourth of his siblings; he is alternately smothered by the three elder siblings or smothering the younger three himself. He is content, if not happy._

_His name is Gabriel, and it is the Beginning of the world._ \--

Sam chokes on air. 

He looks over at Dean, who, frankly, looks both shell-shocked and devastated. "What- who's yours?" Sam asks shakily.

In answer, Dean reads the first few paragraphs aloud. " _\--She always used to wish something would happen to her, until it did. She always used to wish that something great and bright and awesome would burst through her picture-frame world and give her an adventure._

 _The lights of the car her father died in flicker brightly through her tear-blurred eyes. The noise of the rain, of the police and paramedics around her, of the morbidly curious passers-by is so great that she can barely hear anything over it except her own heartbeat. The halo of red under her mother's head and the Pollock-painting of scarlet across her father's chest is aw_ ful; _she supposes that's close enough._

_Her name is Charlie Bradbury, and her picture-frame world is lying shattered and torn on the floor.--"_

"Fuck," Sam whispers. His chest feels tight.

"Who's yours?" Dean asks, hoarse and tense.

Sam swallows, doesn't meet his brother's eyes. "Gabriel."

" _Shit,_ " Dean hisses through his teeth. Sam looks up, finally, meets his brother's gaze. They're quiet for a while.

"We have to finish them," Sam says, because he can feel in his bones that it's true.

Dean nods, slowly, reluctantly. "I know."

Sam opens  _Runaway Sacrifice_ again.)

-

Ze sits in Heaven, the part for dead souls not angels; Ze is still hidden from Zir children.

Instead of revealing Zirself to Zir terribly confused children, Ze splits the part of Zir that is Claire Novak out and sends Her to Her parents. 

Jimmy cries. Amelia's eyes are bright. Claire's fists are white-knuckled in her parents' shirts.

Ze smiles.

Humans are the most lovely of Zir creations, if only because of the inherent beauty of emotion. 

-

(Sam drops  _Runaway Sacrifice_ heavily to the table. He gives himself exactly ten seconds of freaking out time before he takes a deep breath and picks up another one-  _Shattered Backbone._

He opens it.

It's about his mother.)

-

Ze loves Zir angels, Ze really does.

But the angels have failed Zir. Ze gave them a plan, Ze gave them choices, Ze gave them trustworthy leaders to stand in Zir stead. And yet, the angels have gone entirely off the trail and caused so much damage in their wake.

Ze gave them the path to paradise; it is not Zir fault that the angels chose not to follow it.

-

(The third book Sam reads is _Crippled Guardian._

It's about Bobby.

He cries.)

-

 ~~ **Claire,**~~ Ze murmurs regretfully. Ze really doesn't want to split the Novaks up again, but:  ~~ **We have to go. We have business to attend to.**~~

Claire sighs. "I know," She says, and takes Zir hand to become Ze again.

-

(Dean hands him  _Burning Queen_ and takes  _Crippled Guardian_  out of his hands. "Dean," Sam says weakly, "Don't. It's about-"

"I'll have to read it eventually," Dean points out, setting his shoulders. 

Sam braces himself, and opens Charlie's book.)

-

(It takes a total of twelve hours to get through all nine books, not including food and bathroom breaks. By the end, Sam is mentally and emotionally exhausted.

He drops  _Muted Singer_ on the kitchen table- the last book he'd gotten to- and looks over at Dean, who looks as wrung-out as Sam feels. "You okay?" Sam asks quietly.

Dean hesitates. Hesitates. "I..."

Dean is saved from having to reply by Chuck popping into the room.

"So," he says-  _chirps,_ more like, and Sam is  _never_ going to forgive him that- "what did you think?"

They stare at him. Chuck folds his arms, stares back calmly.

"You know," he starts, voice casual and conversational, "I wrote those before I ever buckled down on the  _Supernatural_ series. Back when I became a prophet, my visions were almost entirely- those. You two popped up every once in a while, but at most, you were supporting characters to these guys. I knew who I was- who my missing pieces were- long before I really figured out what story I was supposed to be telling." Chuck's slow smile looks almost predatory. A shiver goes down Sam's spine. "After all, no  _human_ would ever presume to write a story with  _God_ as the main character, or call God something other than He, or claim that God is anything less than perfect. No. I couldn't publish these, even if they weren't so personal. But you two... I'd only be a side character, and a very minor one at that, and I'd never come out with who God was. Everyone would be who they appeared to be, except for those few, scattered hints that would only be found by those looking for them." Chuck starts gathering the books up into his arms. The lights in the room are flickering. "I've been calling you the main heroes, the protagonists, the linchpin around which the entire narrative spins. But you know what?" Chuck's eyes are very bright; Sam can't find his pupils. "You were only ever secondary characters, put in the foreground for distraction while the Deus Ex Machina built up in the background." His smile reminds Sam of a shark's, or a hungry vampire's. "You've done better than I could have hoped, and I thank you for that." He closes his arms around the books and steps back, letting Dean and Sam have their space, but his presence surrounds them, suffocatingly thick. Chuck glances at the door. "Well, looks like I have to take my leave now, boys." He looks back at them,  _smiling._ "It's been a pleasure, really, but Castiel's out of his cage, Claire is at peace, six of us are dead, and I don't have anything holding me back anymore. So.  _We don't need you._ " He frees one hand from the books to give a two-fingered wave, and then he vanishes.

Sam stares at where he had been, utterly dumbfounded.

"Holy shit," Dean mutters. "God hates us."

Sam doesn't think it's quite as bad as that, but there seems to be a disconnect between his brain and his vocal cords.)

-

Ze raises from Zir spot on the ground as Chuck approaches. Ze's been sitting and staring at the sky in the barn where Castiel met Dean for the second time.

"It's done," Chuck says. "I gave them the books. Are we letting them watch?"

 ~~ **I don't want to put them in danger,**~~ Cas and Mary and Bobby and Charlie say.

 ** ~~They're Sam and Dean Winchester,~~** ~~~~Ash and Kevin and Claire point out. ~~ **They'll be _fine._**~~

 ~~ **Point,**~~ the first four acknowledge.

"Alright," Chuck says. "I'll ask."

-

("We're about to put Amara in her place, wanna watch?"

"Um."

" _Fuck yes._ ")

-

Chuck reappears with Sam and Dean, who blink in the sudden sunlight and look around, presumably for the rest of Zir. Ze laughs softly.

 ~~ **We cannot fit in a single vessel as we are,**~~ Ze says to the brothers.  ~~ **Your eyes would not be able to handle our form. You would die. We like you too much to kill you again.**~~

"That's comforting," Sam mutters.

Chuck steps forward to Zir, holding his hand forward and up.  _{I am the Mind of God, the final piece to the puzzle.}_

 ~~ _{I am the Hands of God}_~~ Charlie.

 ~~ _{I am the Eyes of God.}_~~ Kevin.

 ~~ _{I am the Spine of God._ _}_~~ Mary.

 ~~ _{I am the Wings of God._~~ _ ~~}~~  _Gabriel.

 ~~ _{I am the Voice of God.}_~~ Ash.

 _ ~~{I am the Legs of God.}~~  _Bobby.

 ~~ _{I am the Face of God.}_~~ Claire.

 ~~ _{I am the Heart of God.}_~~ Cas.

_{Am I accepted in Our being?}_

~~_{Of_ _course.}_ ~~

-

And Chuck is Ze, and Ze is  _ ~~ **w h o l e**~~._

-

It is the best thing Ze has ever felt, for Ze had not known how to savor it before Ze had broken Zirself apart.

-

(Sam and Dean can't see it, but they can  _feel_ it.

Dean starts crying first, but Sam is openly sobbing a few seconds later.)

-

As Ze expected, this final reunification is a signal flare to Amara. She comes running.

 ~~\Hello, Sibling,/~~ ~~~~She says, sauntering forward. ~~\Here to try and put me back in that nasty cage? Unless you're forgetting, you needed seven archangels to do it the first time, and I see... hmm... _zero._ What are you hoping to accomplish?/~~ She turns and smiles to Dean.  ~~\I might just let it go and retreat beyond Earth if you give me my Dean, you know./~~

 ~~ **Not an option,**~~ Ze says firmly.  ~~ **And I think your math is a bit off, Sister.**~~

Lucifer is very quick when he wants to be.

Ze had 'recovered' all the archangel's tokens easily, especially since Ze already knew where several had been hidden.

Ze had never needed Zir children; all Ze needed were the tokens.

But Zir kids help too; and as the only one alive, free, and aware of Zir return, Lucifer has been entrusted with all of them.

Zir is so  _proud_ of him.

-

( _What the fuck,_ Dean thinks as Lucifer pretty much goes fucking  _Rambo_ on Amara's ass.  _What the fuck,_ as Lucifer pulls a staff, a sword, a fancy-ass trumpet, a whip, a knife, a sharp-looking feather, and a fucking  _spear_ out of fucking  _nowhere_  in quick succession and basically  _shreds_ Amara's human form.  _What the fuck,_ as Lucifer does a fancy little bow and then pops out of existence, still in Cas-nee-Jimmy's body.)

-

Amara is gone. The Darkness remains, squeezing noose-tight about the Earth.

 ~~ **Sister,**~~ Ze says, because Ze has to try.  ~~ **Relent. Repent. I will spare you. I will give you a place to exist in peace.**~~

 ~~\Peace was never an option for me, little sibling,/~~ the Darkness sighs into Zir ears alone.  ~~\You know that./~~

 ** ~~I do,~~** ~~~~Ze acknowledges sadly, and twists dimensions apart to pull forth the Darkness' cage. ** ~~I'm sorry. I love you.~~** ~~~~

There is no reply, but the Darkness does not fight as God resigns Her to Her cage once again.

-

And it is over.

God sits heavily, and bows Zir head. Lucifer sidles close, puts a hand on his Father's massive wing.  _ **|Is there anything I can do?|**_

 ~~ **Castiel would like his body back,**~~ Ze admits,  ~~ **if you have somewhere else to go.**~~

(Lucifer can't help it- he glances over at Sam, just briefly, just out of instinct. He knows that door is very firmly closed.)

 _ **|I can find one,|**_ he says.  _ **|And besides, it'll be nice to be in my trueform again, out of the Cage.|**_

 ~~ **Yes,**~~ God agrees,  ~~ **I suppose it will. Be safe, Lucifer. I love you.**~~

Lucifer vacates Cas' vessel with the sting of tears in his eyes.

God puts a single finger on the vessel's still chest. Cas wriggles in the core of Zir. 

 ~~ **I love you all,**~~ Ze says.  ~~ **I'll come back.**~~

 ~~ **We know,**~~ Zey tell Zir.  ~~ **We love you too.**~~

Castiel slides back into Zir- his body. He opens blue eyes, blinking up into the sky. He watches God's True Form crumble as Claire and Chuck return to their own bodies, miles away, and as the rest return to Heaven, leaving him here.

With the Winchesters.

Who are leaning over him with rather worried faces.

"Cas?" Dean says, hesitant in a way Cas has maybe never heard before. "You there, buddy?"

Cas smiles, just a little.

"Yes," he says. "I am."

**Author's Note:**

> Note: The archangelic tokens Lucifer uses are spoken about in (slightly) more depth in my story "colliding parallels". If you want to know more about them, you can either read that story or comment and ask me about them.
> 
> Thank you for reading. If you liked this story, please leave a comment and/or kudos! Every piece of feedback I get encourages me to keep writing.


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